i grew up loving people,
expectations that couldn’t disappoint me,
friends and family i could count on.
but slowly,
disappointment reached me,
it’s all i felt.
slowly,
the extrovert they all knew me as,
became quiet.
slowly,
i stopped loving people.
everything was a question,
that i didn’t have the answer to,
yet somehow desperately needed,
to solve the issues i now had to deal with,
by myself.
problems appeared,
and no one was there.
i had to be there,
right?
i couldn’t leave them,
they couldn’t live with the disappointment,
so i stayed,
and lived,
through my questions,
by myself,
while being the answer they all felt they needed.
slowly,
everyone else’s problems,
made me numb,
to things that were supposed to shock me,
and make me think differently,
about the world i am obliged to live in.
slowly,
the corners of my mouth stopped reaching my ears,
my teeth stopped showing,
my eyes got covered by the clouds,
the tears i felt,
stopped flowing,
and it was official,
that numb was,
who those people i one day loved,
didn’t expect me to become.
some said that i had them.
some said that it was good i had learnt to be,
as independent as i was at such an early age,
but what about what i said?
or wanted?
what about the child,
i had to be,
to become,
the adult i was meant to turn into?
that wasn’t allowed.
i wasn’t allowed to need someone,
anyone at all.
it wasn’t who they wanted me to be,
or act like.