Chapter 1- The absent world
All of a sudden it just starts. My life, my childhood just started not knowing how beautiful it all was. All I really can remember is drawing with chalk in front of our old house. I remember the velvet red couch I used to jump on. I remember the green carpet that we still have. And otherwise It’s all tales I hear from others around me.
Tales of how beautiful the first moment of my presence was.
They gave me the name JULIA. I don’t know what it means but in some abandoned language it means warrior. I always thought our ancestors named by scent by their surroundings but my name comes from something created. Something often feared.
. Sometimes I would call myself Waya. Wolf in a native language. I loved the W in the short name. It awakened my true spirit that would drive me wild. That I would chase after my eyes closed and the stars would align.
Well, they named me Julia. Sometimes I wish the name would fall from their lips and belong to someone of a different mind than mine. Someone else lost in the big crowds. But it never seems do be someone else. My life just has always belonged to me. To the girl that seems joyful that seems lost in her own world. To the girl that always listens and shares. The one that just truely is always there.
My mind that has no other keeper loses it’s self in my own world that seems like a fantasy. Sometimes I am in a world where my garden suddenly turns into the grounds of a brave warrior not letting anyone dictate who she is, or a world where hippogriphes rule, but sometimes my mind takes me to dark places. A cage that it would lock me into as a dragon. A creature feared and mistreated. I always just wanted to be something else. My mind could always wander. I would write my mind out. A world where life is a privilege, a world where humans live in a society where the unreal becomes real.
My mind just is mine. It makes animals that are my guardians and tell me about their cubs. It turns music into something living which guides me through my rough days. It makes up these scenarios where I’m the one saving the damsel in distress. It makes life just a bit better. It made my life just a bit better. I was the girl who would run through the fields pretending she was a horse. The girl who would teach her stuffed animals Math that she herself didn’t understand. The girl who would talk hours to herself and still not knowing where to start. The girl who just lived with no fear and no regret. I truly always knew who I was even though my mind took different forms until It all fell away.
Chapter 2-The girl who holds it’s life
They say you will survive, they promise you a life. A life until death. From the start to the end.
A girl is given a thing so fragile like a broken heart placed into her hands that stepping is nearly impossible.
So fragile this object is,it must be a life she is holding. Let your life fall and all is decided and yet my fall just started falling.
I went from picking flowers to picking what I would steal from my mother’s closet. I went from running through the fields to running from my fears. I went from writing stories about my imaginary friend to writing essays as long as the table of our new house. The big house where my echos lose their starting point.
They all say enjoy it while you can but sometimes I hold my breath so that everything speeds up.
But somehow I wish I could go back. To the times of elves and dragons. Of queens and slayers but yet still I am stuck. My life isn’t filled with horses anymore instead it is filled with thoughts of death and instead of drawing, I question my existence. Cause how could I not question the promised end. Even though my magic is lost.
I went from thinking of a world in which I was so lost about how I looked and instead of wearing a sheet of cloth held together with pins, I wear sweatpants covering my thighs. I went from a world of fantasy to a world of truth. I went from the girl to the woman. From the girl so knowing to the woman so lost. And yet I still stand in a world by myself and ask myself one question that my mind can’t deny.
They promise me a life until death. From start to end. But yet I question what will come. My future already planned even though It isn’t certain. Why do I have to wait until my bones are old and brittle? Why is death feared when it’s the only escape from this world so brutal.
They tell me it will get better. With my thoughts, with my mind but I know… My eyes might be too small for the world, I might get lost in the crowds but deep down I ask myself every day. Why did I not keep fighting for my world? What is life without dragons and elves? What am I without my magical soul?
Because sadly the little girl is still searching for the dragon in the thick crows but somehow she can’t find it. She can’t find her best friend. Because dragons don’t exist.
Chapter 3-Did I uphold?
Be nice. Be kind. Be respectful. Be amazing. Be you. Be loud. Be yourself.
All lies that they tell you. They tell you you should be free. Feel the pain you are experiencing. Be open but yet nobody listened.
Be loyal. Be there. Smile. Laugh even though my life Is falling into pieces.
Everybody goes through it. So why should It be different for me? But that’s when people get lost. That’s when they don’t get. They don’t get that I was only 8 when it happened, I was only 10 when she tried, I was only 12 when he made me feel and I was only 14 when she told me. That’s what they don’t get. They tell me how I should feel. That I must carry on but those memories haunt my enchanted mind. Because I was only a child and that’s what you don’t get.
You don’t know how it is to be ashamed of who you are. You don’t know how it is to have eyes fixed on you that you feel trapped. You don’t know how it is to not be able to help. You don’t know how it is to tell someone your pain and for them to tell you your reason for suffering is insufficient. You don’t know how it is for them to ignore you. You don’t know how it is to feel so alone even though you’re surrounded by friends and love. But yet do you know how it is to quiet your heartbeat so no one will hear your breaking heart. But I trusted them. I told them.
I told them what he did. How he manipulated me, how he followed me, how he pressured me but yet no one stayed with me. No one listened and even the elders excused his behavior. I mean he was going through a lot. So why should I still feel trapped when he looks at me why do I feel fear when I see him. But why did they not just listen and tell me I was going to be fine. That he was an idiot and that I didn’t deserve it. But yet all they did was look at me with exaggeration and ask me if it really was that bad. Because deep down he really just was a good guy. And so I question if I was the one going crazy. If I was supposed to be stared at but I know now that everyone was wrong. That I know he was wrong so I guess it’s all over.
But yet I still cover my cries with laughs and my scares with smiles because somehow I still stay the little girl with the enchanted mind.