Empty roads, empty words. The night is quiet, and so are you. We have been driving for so long—an odyssey, thousands and one nights. Sometimes I feel like we are the only people in the world. Like you are the only other person alive.
As we drive past indifferent landscapes, heavy rain pelting onto the roof, time slows syrupy slow, honey sweet and sticky. It feels as though we have passed the event horizon; gravity is so all-encompassing that not even light is fast enough to escape it. You stare out of the window, lovely eyes fixed on the pouring rain.
Is this who we are? Is this what we have become?
I turn towards you, earnest and genuine. I tell you that I have always been captured by your beloved face. Your gentle smile, your well-loved eyes. You do not answer.
Looking at you now, I can´t help but wonder: would you stay if only you could find a reason? Or would you have kept driving all night long? Just to find peace of mind? It seems like all you do is look for answers, trying to find a reason to stay.
I wish I could explain. How it feels like we exist in another dimension, one created just for us, kept alive by us. Every breath we take, a star is born; with every blink of your enchanting eyes, a sun dies.
Maybe I could find a reason to change. You try to hide your discomfort, but I can see it as clear as day. You hide behind your darling face; you keep on searching for a reason to stay. My way of being, of chasing—this sickening loyalty I declare to be love is not enough. I wish all would die, so you and I could conquer the world by ourselves, so that it would really truly be just you and me. You try to hide, you look away, you keep looking at the pouring rain.
Still I recklessly chase after you. Bark at your heels; dream of change. Damning like a hellhound, ferocious like a rabid dog, desperate and vicious, I hound after you. As Orestes is pursued by the Furies, I do not let go of you. Unwilling to change, I am trapped in the confines of being what I am, the inherent limits of my very being. I ache to be more than the sum of my parts.
Always hungering for more, always wanting something fresh, something warm, something real. Never have I been satisfied. I yearn to be your sun, your moon, all of your stars, and everything in between. I long for you to look into my eyes and see a universe full of colour and abundance and joy. I ache to be your everything, to be so full of you that there is no void inside my heart, no emptiness to fill, no abyss to stare back. Only you and me in an infinite, uncaring, cold universe, full and satisfied and never again experiencing starvation.
We both know it can never happen. I continue to starve. Deprivation haunts me, and I anguish for even the smallest piece of you. Ravenous, I salivate at the thought of wrapping my teeth around you. I want to carve you open, shred you into bitesized chunks fit to be consumed and never to be seen again.
I want to devote and I want to devour until not a crumb is left, from the tip of your hair to the soles of your feet. Prostrate at your sacred feet; I offer myself to you in reverence to your divine grace. I am famished, deserted of sustenance. So I beg you, let me take a bite. I yearn to devour the whole world raw. Sharp teeth nibbling at your flesh, beating heart cradled gently in my maw. I covet all of you, every piece I would cherish and consume delicatly, lovingly.
My love for you burns carmine red; I crave to rip open my skin, layer after layer, until lilywhite bones are laid bare. No, more than that, I dream of cracking open my ribcage quick and easy, freeing my cardiac cavity, and laying you to rest next to my beating broken heart. I hold on to you even when it hurts us both, until the last sun burns out. I sink my teeth into you, an iron taste in my mouth, blood running down your face, and I bite down harder.
Nothing will stop me; nothing will change me. I bite, painful and sharp and brutal and loyal. Horrible and terrifyingly, hauntingly beautiful. You try to find a reason—a reason to stay. I bite. I try to find a reason to change. You drive all night long, hiding your precious face.
It seems like not even you can find a reason to stay, and like I will never be able to change. I am a heavy chain biting into your flesh, a thorn crown fused tightly onto your head, unable and unwilling to let go.
Maybe we are both just afraid of being alone. Maybe as I cling to you, pressing bruises into your soft skin, holding on too tight, you too are unable to be more than the sum of your parts. Maybe being chased defines you as much as chasing defines me. A dying sun warming itself with its own heat, canine loyalty, bloody and thankless. Eternally running, endlessly chasing, untouched and deathless. If you had gotten caught, if I had caught you, would you have stayed? Would I have changed?
A bloodstained smile, a tearful gaze, a voiceless scream. Diametrically opposed, dualistic existences trapped in an endless counteraction. Binary contradictions, existence and nonexistence, deathless and death. Sweet aureate immortality, like gold shining upon a leaf contradicted by or perhaps gleaming because of the contrast of the senseless all-encompassing void.