Two years ago I went mad.
That makes it sound like it was a voluntary act, so let me rephrase.
Two years ago, I met you, and you infected me with a madness which I had never felt before, and which I could not name.
Again, this is not entirely true, because you did not do anything wrong. You just happened to meet me.
Either way, I went mad you infected me with a madness my senses got lost as I fell and fell and fell…
I had been comfortable in my seat high up in the clouds.
I had been miserable.
And then you came along, with your beautiful beautiful eyes that I did not know the colour of, for months, until I finally got the courage to look.
I am still falling, free falling through the air, though not as fast as back then, and with a smile on my face rather than obsession in my eyes.
Because I was obsessed.
I could not think.
I could not think.
I could not stop thinking.
I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could not breathe.
Two years ago, I lost my mind, and somewhere since then, I have given up on trying to get it back.
xxx
Just a quick look
But I accidentally catch your eye
And suddenly my heart doesn’t know
Whether it wants to explode
Or stop completely.
There is a dull pain.
All I can think about
Is that I have to look away
And I don’t want to
xxx
I fear that
The more I talk
The less you’ll like me
So I don’t say much at all.
xxx
The most romantic thing you ever did
Was when you took your friend’s cigarette
(the last one)
(Even though you do not smoke)
And offered it to me.
You didn’t hesitate.
I was so in awe of you then
And it broke my heart
Because it wasn’t enough to make me love you.
(You never liked when I smoked
but you liked me)
xxx
I am thinking about your eyes again.
Your eyes, that I don’t even know the colour of
Because I’ve been too distracted by the rest of your face.
So next time I see you
I’ll make sure to look into your eyes
For a second longer than usual.
I’ll make sure I won’t get distracted this time
Not even by the way the sun makes your eyes glow
Or the way your smile lights up your face
Or the little glint in your eye that accompanies your grin…
No.
I won’t get distracted this time.
I will focus.
I will make sure that
The next time I think about your eyes
I’ll know exactly which colour they are.
xxx
All these feelings have built up
And I am right back where I was;
Writing poetry about you.
I wonder
If I told you I write about you
Would you recognize the poems?
xxx
It is raining
And all I can think about is us
Getting out of the lake
Shivering
Stealing my friend’s blanket
Sitting side by side
Your skin warming mine
xxx
Late nights and
Drunken dancing and
Laughing and
Singing and
Accepting cigarettes from estranged friends and
Kissing in the corner of a bar.
And the realization that love cannot be forced
No matter how hard you try
No matter how long you wait
xxx
Your smile is blinding me so
I close my eyes against the glare
Let me taste it with my lips instead
xxx
If you jump I jump.
That is the deal.
That is what I tell God
At 3am
When I’m too tired to be awake
But not enough to fall asleep:
If she jumps I jump;
But turn the tables
And the deal still stands.
I won’t jump if you don’t
Because somehow
When I’m with you
Life feels a little more bearable
xxx
I put my heart in your hands
Now I am empty again.
xxx
Bracing myself for impact would be foolish.
It is going to hurt either way.
Let me at least enjoy the fall
xxx
She says “How blessed am I to have memories that I’m nostalgic for”
And I keep thinking
Yes
How lucky am I
To want to travel back in time
Not to change the past
But to relive it
xxx
Now that I am writing about you
I am scared I will never
Be able to stop.