This isn’t a cry for help.
It’s currently 1 AM. I think. I’m not really sure. I haven’t been sure of anything in a while. I forget what day it is and what I ate for breakfast. Did I even eat today ? As I said, it is around 1 AM and I’m lying awake, staring at the ceiling. Or rather what should be the ceiling but I can’t see anything because I turned off the lights two hours ago. I could turn them back on since sleep has decided to evade me tonight, but I don’t. This too has been happening a lot to me lately. I should do my homework or start studying but I don’t. I want to start a new hobby or a new book, but I don’t. There’s nothing stopping me from doing these things, but I don’t do anything anyways. Maybe it’s a chronic lack of motivation or maybe I’m simply lazy. That’s what most of the adults say. According to them, I’ll never make anything out of myself or succed in life if I continue like that. I know this looks like a cliché complaint of a teenager nearing adulthood and yeah, maybe it is. But I don’t care, this is what’s been taking over my mind instead of sleep and I’ll make it everyone’s problem now. Why isn’t there some kind of Life complaints office where I could send my review of living? Maybe they could send me some kind of instruction manual called the Book of how to life. I certainly feel like I’m doing life wrong. I’m supposed to have it all figured out by now, learn how to drive or even have a summer job but honestly? I’m incapable of booking a dentist appointment on my own. Worse? I’m scared to talk to people on the phone or to even pick up my phone when it’s ringing. I never know when to hang up or if I’m bothering them because I can’t see their face. I’m at that point in my life where you could hug me for a little too long, and I would start crying. I’m at that point in my life where I miss family reunions being fun, because now I know about the undiscussed drama and generational trauma that is being passed on. I never asked for any of this. I never asked for falling asleep with a schoolbook in my lap because my brain can’t memorise anything about the evolution of English literature even though it can memorise Mr Darcy’s love confession at the end of the 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie without a hitch. I never asked for waking up at 2 AM, 3 AM, 4 AM and 5 AM, in a panic because I thought I’d overslept and was late for school. I never asked for having a panic attack in a school bathroom because I might get called to the blackboard to solve an equation even though I’m incapable of doing so on my own.
This isn’t a cry for help. I think. I’m not so sure anymore. I’m tired and I can’t sleep. My brain won’t shut up. If anyone finds an answer to how to live, please send me an email. I’ll just be here, I guess, staring at the darkness until someone does. Please be quick.