Honestly, I have no idea why you had to leave – why wasn’t I able to safe you from them ? I tried my best, I promise. I know the pressure was too much for you.
You were young, you didn’t deserve such treatment. You were little and already with a huge weight on your shoulders. No one saw it, but it did hurt. You were too small to even understand what the word ‘exemple’ meant and yet you were already one.
That day, the day you gave up, was the day I took over. I kept you hidden, like a little scared child – that’s what you were at the time. The world had been too harsh on you since day one, you just didn’t realise it.
But time passed, years passed, and you grew and with you, your mentality matured, you saw the world diffrenly then you used to when you were little. They hurt you, even though they didn’t realise. They made you grow up too quickly for your age.
You tried to heal yourself by trying new things – new hobbies. You tried to make new friends – they left when they had the opportunity to do so.
Why bother at this point, you thought to yourself numberous times. You got tierd and that’s why you did what you did. You drowned your own emotions, feelings to understand others, to attend to others needs. You cared so much, you brushed your own priorities to attend to others, because in your eyes, you weren’t worth the time.
You ignored yourself for so long that it turned to an addiction. You got tired of it, they were the reason you saw yourself as useless, worthless and yet you were the complete opposite.
That small innocent child, with open heart, ready to help, died and all because people didn’t know how to keep her safe. She needed safety not tourment and sufferment. She killed herself, not to get attention – like everyone thinks, but to get away from all these people, who simply brushed her feelings aside.
And now you beg to have her back ? She still exists, she’s just terrified of the world outside – how would people react when she reappears ? What if it all happened again ? How could she do it again when she didn’t even do it the first time ?
She lives in pure fear, agony. It’s suffocating, cold, but it feels like home. That little gril, she simply hid herself behind a grown, more mature version of her. A version that can be adapted to people’s personalities so that she can be likeable. A version that looks constantly for approval from others, who still is as insecure as the younger version but knows how to deal with it better