i am the way i am today because of the past.
people say i should
“let go”
and abandon it.
who would i be if i did?
i tried,
time and time again,
with no use.
my past is like a ghost,
knocking on the door to my soul,
my mind,
my everything.
it all comes back,
it always does.
dreams,
names,
moments.
they wake me up in the darkness,
the things i swore to never bring up again,
it all comes back to haunt me.
it bangs on the window to my future,
as if words i have been craving,
an apology, maybe,
and i let it in,
every time,
blinded the memories,
hurt by the tears,
silenced by the conversations i wish i didn’t remember.
it feels like the opportunity to fix it,
fix me,
but it’s always a portal,
to the obligation of reliving it,
second by second,
voice after voice,
again and again.
it’s the ocean i seem the be trapped in,
the strings keeping me afloat get erased by the waves,
as i gasp for air,
until my eyes finally shut.