what’s crazy to me,
and will always be crazy,
is that i actually loved you.
i put you first.
you were my everything,
and i convinced myself not overthink
all because i thought you were worth it.
the worst part about all of it,
really,
is that after so much effort,
on my end,
to be good to you,
you reminded me why i put up walls in the first place.
you reminded me why trust was a problem,
and why most people i know,
are only aware of,
and only stay aware of,
the very tip of the iceberg,
and nothing else.
not because i don’t want them,
to be made aware of the rest.
not because i don’t want to tell,
the most important people in my life,
the rest,
the roots,
the hidden,
but because everything has made me so afraid of what will happen if they know.
everything a fourteen year old shouldn’t have gone through,
everything a thirteen, and twelve, and eleven year old shouldn’t have gone through,
but also everything a seven year old, and a six year old, and a five year old as well,
shouldn’t have been forced to go through.
one of the things i will never,
ever,
in a million years,
bring myself to say,
is that i’m the only one who suffered.
no matter the situation,
i know im not the only one.
the world doesn’t,
and should never,
revolve around me.
but oh,
how i wish it would,
sometimes.
sometimes,
i just need someone to look at me,
and be able to tell that im everything,
but okay.
sometimes,
all i need,
is to be seen.
not my appearance,
but my inner self,
not because i want the attention,
but because since my first conscious thought,
i have made an ultimate mission,
out of not seeing myself,
like i wish to be seen today.
all it does is hurt.
the only time i look past my own eyes,
is when the tears i have been pushing down,
glide down my cheeks,
and when they do,
i unfortunately,
can’t prevent the pain i know im going to feel.
you were one of those ‘most important’ in my life,
until you showed me why you shouldn’t be.
your phone number,
your touch,
your smell,
your voice.
i wish i could erase it all.
i wish i could say i didnt regret anything,
but if you knew,
and felt,
what im feeling now,
you would be wishing the same.
so,
with those feelings,
that i will,
again and again,
push down and lock up,
until they find the code,
the trust i struggled to give you,
and clearly shouldn’t have,
but did,
out of love,
will linger in my thoughts,
as i keep walking,
with my head held high,
and those thoughts confined,
never to come out again.