Losing You
I was never really good
at expressing my feelings
but somehow with you
it was different.
I was ready to put in work
to make you see
you were important to me
At the beginning
i tried not to get attached
but eventually
i got weak
and my heart was yours
Between sweet texts,
plans to go out on a date
or whatever you used to call it
I was completely lost for you.
Every time i got good or bad news
i wanted to text you about it
but there was always this side of me
that felt like a burden.
A side that thought that
if i texted you too much
you would get bored
and leave.
I really don’t wanna admit it
but i was scared of losing you.
Every time you were cold to me
i just thought back to the good moments,
times when you asked
how my day was
and when you cared about small details
like what i was wearing
or how my nails looked
to forget your absence
You made me feel
seen
important
Then it stopped.
I felt you detaching yourself slowly
still giving me hope
but just to be polite.
I spend countless nights
crying myself to sleep
cause i couldn’t understand
what i did wrong.
Then it happened
That one text
that made my heart drop
and shatter.
You found another girl
but at least
you were honest about it.
right?
What you don’t know
is that i was thinking
to talk about you
to my parents that day
already planning
what i would wear
on that stupid date
you were supposed to take me on
Instead, that Friday
I stayed home
crying the whole day
because that Friday
i was supposed to see you
182 days
That’s the number of days
we talked for
and i can’t seem to get that number
out of my head
along with the what ifs
and the thousands of questions
i never got to ask
And when i told my friends
what happened
I put on a brave face
and a smile
saying
“it’s fine”
and
“it’s not that deep”
But deep down
I just wanted to cry
So yeah
I still stalk your reposts on tiktok,
I still look at your location on snap
and i can’t find it in me to block you
because even after everything
I still wake up everyday
and check my texts
hoping it was just a nightmare
I know deep down
that if you texted me tomorrow
I would take you back directly
and that makes me mad at myself
You know what’s worse?
My friends told me to move on
to find another guy
and i played it off, saying
that this new year
I wanted to find myself
be a better version of me
But it’s a lie.
i just want you back
I can’t stop thinking about you
and it breaks me.
Why was i not enough?
What does she have that i don’t?
Was this all my fault?
What did i do wrong?
So day after day
i’m trying to
get over it
get over you
but it’s harder
than I thought.
I don’t know
if i’ll ever get over it
or if i’ll ever be ready
to start a story like this again
Just know this:
I wish you all the best
I wish you success in life.
I wish you happiness
with whoever you choose.
Even if it’s not with me.